NATIONAL BONDING Government reassures Australians that debt bondage is definitely illegal (unless it’s to the ATO or a bank)
BY: Kartya Vucetic
The Australian Government has reaffirmed its commitment to eliminating debt bondage, while reassuring citizens that spending most of their adult lives working to repay the ATO, a bank and the Department of Education remains perfectly acceptable.
Under Australian law, debt bondage involves a person being forced to provide labour to repay a debt under exploitative conditions.
Fortunately, officials have confirmed this bears absolutely no resemblance to waking up five days a week for the next 40 years because you owe $800,000 on a one bedroom apartment and another $55,000 for the degree required to get your job.
“Debt bondage is a serious human rights violation,” explained one entirely fictional government spokesperson.
“What Australians experience is different because they are completely free to stop working whenever they no longer require housing, electricity, food or access to the broader economy.”
The clarification follows growing confusion among workers who have noticed that a sizeable portion of their salary disappears before reaching their bank account. Many also note that much of the remainder is immediately claimed by their mortgage provider, landlord, HECS debt, tolls, utility companies and whichever supermarket currently has custody of the national capsicum supply.
The Commonwealth expects to collect hundreds of billions of dollars in taxation this financial year. This money will fund essential public services, infrastructure and a range of government initiatives designed to investigate why Australians have so little money.
The Treasury has rejected suggestions that the arrangement amounts to economic servitude, pointing out that taxpayers receive several valuable freedoms in return. These include the freedom to choose their employer, the freedom to change banks and the freedom to select which electricity provider sends them a surprisingly large bill.
Australians can also reduce their tax obligations by earning less money, an option many employers have already generously implemented on their behalf.
Banks have similarly denied participating in debt bondage, explaining that mortgage holders voluntarily agreed to spend several decades repaying an amount significantly larger than the price of their home.
“At no point do we force customers to work,” said another spokesperson who does not exist.
“We simply retain the right to take their house if they stop.”
The Government has now encouraged Australians concerned about their financial independence to consult its online cost-of-living resources, consider cancelling one streaming subscription and definitely stop buying $7 flat whites.
Workers are expected to continue enjoying their economic freedom tomorrow morning from approximately 8:30am.
Editor’s Note: This article is satire. Taxation and ordinary mortgage debt do not constitute slavery, forced labour or debt bondage under Australian law.
