Without wanting to upset all of Queensland and half of Bondi I’m strongly of the opinion that Jack Dunkley may be the biggest bogan ever to appear on national television. My spidey senses tell me so and they are rarely wrong if I say so myself! Step aside our favourite local bogwans Karlos and Dickie – no surnames needed of course – if you know you know; Jack Dunkley a ‘personal trainer’ from QLD is here to show you how to knot your man buns.
According to ‘Things Bogans Like’ a compendium of bogan traits carefully researched over several years by some unnamed geniuses from Melbourne – Jack rates high on the spectrum of Boganism and it’s likely he hasn’t any idea he is profoundly an epic bogan.
Now come with us on a journey, a ‘personal journey’ if you prefer as we sniff the scent of Jack’s favourite celebrity fragrance. Any good deep dive begins with a list so here’s ours:-
Starting with the obvious:-
1. The aesthetic of himself; the modern bogan man takes great pride in his appearance as does Jack. Jack loves nothing more than ‘gettin huge‘ and it’s particularly important to get your pump on before ‘suiting up‘. It’s at this point we must examine Jacks choice of wedding attire which included a very snug fitting three piece suit – I doubt it could be considered a tuxedo – and shoes without socks as if he was swanning around Côte d’Azur. Sorry but suiting up and going sock less should only ever be an option if you are holidaying in Europe, are a Cafe racer or own a vintage convertible Mercedes.
Good grooming is also important and save for a bit of designer stubble all other body hair must go.
Then there’s the bloody obvious man bun… which unless you are still living in 2014 has no place in polite society. These things separately do not maketh a bogan but taken together pretty well define you as a massive bogan.
2.The fact he’s on a reality TV show; bc the modern bogan has aspirations. Why just be a personal trainer when you could be a ‘celebrity’ personal trainer. Think Shannan Ponton and Michelle Bridges. There’s also a high probability Jack will be adding ‘life coach’ to his bio but not before he proclaims himself a ‘public figure’.
3. Reference to ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’; In an audition reel you can see here it’s revealed Jack described himself as a combination of Tarzan and Christian Grey on his application to the show. Jack then goes on to say ‘I have quite a sexual appetite. Quite kinky. I’ve heard that is what he’s all about as well…I can tell within ten seconds if I want to be physical with a girl. I know if I have that and I am physically attracted the sex is going to be there and I can keep growing on that connection. I’m such a connection guy’
Hmm, so Jack has not in fact read the book or watched the film he has only ‘heard that’s what he’s all about’. Then by quite kinky can one postulate Jack is saying he has a preference for anal?
4. He’s likely into Mixed Martial Arts;
5. He probably wears Lynx deodorant
6. He likely has a bathroom cabinet full of celebrity fragrances
7. He likely has Buddhist iconography as home furnishings
Latest research suggests boganism exists on a spectrum so these things separately do not maketh a bogan but taken together pretty well define you as a bogan. It would not surprise me to learn that at some point in young Jacks life he ‘heard’ about a book called The Game by Neill Strauss but then again probably not, he is after all such a connection guy.
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