REBRAND Jonathan LaPaglia is out, so here’s who we’re nominating to host Survivor now
BY: Kartya Vucetic
In news that’s rocked both the Survivor fandom and Australia’s supply chain of rolled-up linen shirts, Jonathan LaPaglia has officially been fired from Australian Survivor.
After eleven seasons of tribal councils, deadpan stares and whispering the words “fire represents life” like it’s a government warning, Channel 10 has announced they’re taking the show in a “different direction” due to falling reviews.
Naturally, our first thought was: different how? Are we talking Bob Irwin different, or Corey Worthington with a GoPro and Red Bull sponsorship different? Because unless it’s the latter, we’re not interested.
So to make things easier for Channel 10, we’ve taken the liberty of preparing a shortlist for them. I present to you the only people who should be even remotely considered for the gig.
Ja’mie King
The line between satire and spiritual leadership has never been blurrier. Ja’mie wouldn’t host Survivor so much as bully it into submission. Immunity would be based on hotness. People would be medically evacuated due to emotional damage. Chaotic, offensive, deeply watchable. ABC would sue.
Sharon Strzelecki
There’s not a single scenario in which Sharon doesn’t improve everything. She’d host tribal council from a camping chair in a North Face puffer, eating a Jatz and judging contestants for not being funny enough. If they cry, she cries harder. She’d also accidentally unite the country and win a Gold Logie just for showing up.
Lee Lin Chin
Image: Women’s Agenda
Doesn’t blink. Doesn’t smile. Doesn’t speak above 30 decibels. The tension? Immediate. Lee Lin would deliver eliminations like ancient poetry and occasionally pause to sip wine from a crystal goblet. The contestants would never be quite sure if they’re on a game show or in a Cold War negotiation. Can also guarantee she’d serve absolute looks.
Russell Coight
The season would be 40% medical evacuations. He’d drive into camp on a quad bike, crash into a palm tree, accidentally start a bushfire, and still call it a character-building experience. Would unironically win Best Reality Host and be interviewed by Leigh Sales in full camo.
Corey Worthington
He doesn’t know what show he’s on, but he’s not taking the sunnies off. Ever. He’d refer to contestants as “bruh” and cancel tribal council because he “already made other plans.” You would hate every second of it, and still watch all 14 episodes.
Gina Liano
Serving legal threats and silver sequins at the same time. Gina would arrive at challenges in a limousine, refuse to get out unless the sand is combed, and refer to herself exclusively as “Madam Justice.” Every elimination would be followed by a monologue and an appeal process. And we would eat it up.
Nick Kyrgios
You know how Jonathan would quietly announce a blindside? Nick would live-tweet it mid-tribal while throwing hands with a contestant over sunscreen. There would be walk-outs. There would be swearing. All handheld instruments would be banned. It would be the most-watched season in history.
Nasser Sultan
Image: Channel 9
Thinks he’s already the host. Has been manifesting this for five years via Facebook Lives and unsolicited podcast appearances. Would make the whole show about himself and we’d still weirdly love it. Nothing would be filmed correctly, and it would go viral every week.
In summary…
Jonathan may be out, but the chaos has only just begun. If Channel 10 wants a new direction, we say lean in. Burn the format. Hire the drama. And for the love of god, let Nasser host the reunion episode. Because if we wanted professionalism, we’d watch the ABC.
