NEWS “Let’s make Sydney one giant Homeworld!!!” declares Chris Minns, launching IKEA-inspired housing plan
BY: Kartya Vucetic
In a bold move to solve the state’s housing crisis and get his weekends back, NSW Premier Chris Minns has today unveiled a “housing pattern book”. And if you’re like me and unsure of what that actually means, it’s essentially a catalogue of pre-approved residential designs that can be copy-pasted across the state faster than you can say “Hamptons in Parramatta.”
“This is a practical step to make the housing system fairer,” Minns said, standing beside a rendering of a three-bedroom duplex that looked suspiciously like something you’d find flat-packed at IKEA. After all, why do we need to reinvent the wheel when you can build 10,000 of the same wheel?
This dual occupancy comes in pink and green, just in case you weren’t sure if they were two separate homes
Dubbed (by yours truly) as the “Homeworld-ification of Sydney,” the new initiative will see a selection of tastefully bland, regulation-friendly homes offered to councils, developers and probably your mum. For the first six months, the plans will only come at the meagre cost of $1. The goal? Bulldoze bureaucracy. And maybe a few fibro houses.
“This Pattern Book is about giving people more choice, faster approvals, and affordable, high-quality homes,” Mines added. Because apparently, what the people want is the opportunity to live in a beige townhouse with vinyl floorboards and a feature wall.
The Great Australian Template Dream
The pattern book features a range of housing options including:
- The ‘Young Professional Who Can’t Cook’ studio
- The ‘Multigenerational Nightmare’ quadruple dwelling, three-bed, 1.5 bathroom catastrophe
- And the‘Yes, We’re Still Doing Hamptons Vibes’‘ coastal cottage — suitable for areas up to 300km inland.
Introducing the ‘Multigenerational Nightmare’ featuring 4 dwellings, that each come with 3 bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms
Each design has been carefully curated to meet state planning regulations, passive-aggressive neighbours, and the emotional bandwidth of local council development panels.
Minister for Planning and Public Spaces, Paul Scully, insists this isn’t some ‘cookie-cutter’ proposal, stating “much of Sydney was built on pattern books”. They look great, they’re simple and cost-effective”, like that”, like that’s supposed to make us feel better in an era where negative gearing is still a thing.
Much of Sydney is, in fact, built on pattern books. Most notably, Homeworld (pictured above)
Developers React
Private developers have responded positively, with one anonymous insider saying, “Honestly, this saves us heaps. We were gonna build the exact same thing anyway, but now we get to call it government-endorsed.”
On the topic of cultural diversity, different family structures or climate resilience, Minns smiled and gestured to a rendering of a complimentary Landscape Pattern, that allows new homeowners to pick and choose their own pot plants to “maximise biodiversity”.
TL;DR:
NSW just went full Sims. Everyone gets the same starter home, councils get fewer forms to stamp, and developers get to keep building shoeboxes at scale. Will it help some people? Sure. Has it ignored the glaringly obvious issues of reforming tax and investment incentives? Absolutely.
Editor’s Note: This piece contains satire, but the information about the NSW government’s new housing pattern book and planning reforms is factually accurate at the time of publication.
