ALL GUNS BLAZING Apparently Ryan also saves his testosterone for dinner parties, and now we’re all screaming
BY: Kartya Vucetic
If there’s one image we can’t get out of our minds after last night’s MAFS episode, it’s Ryan saving himself for his squat rack. Yes, you heard me correctly, Temu Tate has done his research and concluded that his very limited testosterone is best utilised at the gym, rather in the bed with Jacqui.
And by research, we mean probably listening to an audio bite from Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, or Andrew Tate, because there’s no way anyone else could be possibly spewing this dumb shit.
I just know he’s reciting lines from Andrew Tate in his head rn | Image: Channel 9
Ahh, nothing screams newlywed romance like scheduling into mutual Google calendars a time to root. How I love, love.
Now, just in case you haven’t thrown up in your mouth enough at that thought, Jacqui’s come out again this morning on her business Instagram account to divulge even further detail about their now very public sex life. It turns out that Ryan not only participated in this self-inflicted abstinence before going to the gym, but he also would keep all testosterone in check prior to the MAFS weekly dinner parties.
What. The. Fuck.
I’m going to be sick | Image: Instagram @jacquelineleejewellery
Yes, once again, you heard me correctly. This man has taken the saying of “going in all guns blazing” far too literally, and now I don’t know whether I feel shocked, confused, or outright terrified.
“If you do have goals and you want to perform a certain way, then sex every day is not conducive to that,” Ryan argued to the group in last night’s episode.
And look, you’ve got to give it to Ryan. Those dinner parties are intense, and as of late, particularly combative. So I guess we also now know why he was so strong, manly and protective over Jacqui in last Wednesday’s episode. Maybe there is, in fact, some method to his madness.
Jacqui was very proud of her man at the last dinner party | Image: Channel 9
But to play devil’s advocate, we used a little thing called Google and undertook some of our own research into this bizarre ‘testosterone theory’. And, to probably no one’s surprise other than Ryan, the general consensus is that there’s basically zero correlation between sex, testosterone levels and gym performance. Wow, I never saw that one coming.
Testosterone does assist in overall physical performance, yes, but hormone levels aren’t like a car that has to be refuelled periodically. In fact, the only time they do typically change is when they increase immediately after sex. And while they remain relatively stable after that, Ryan’s theory could technically be supported on day seven of total abstinence, when testosterone is at its highest. But somehow I suspect he’s not going that far with the schtick, either.
So Ryan, there you have it. A science-backed testosterone guide for dummies. One can only imagine how much more muscle gains you could have made if you’d just read a book!
Okay, that’s all from me. I’m heading to the bathroom to go be sick now.
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