RECAP TIME It’s MAFS’ couple retreat week AKA school camp and what’s going down is far scarier than a few ghost stories
BY: Tahlia Pritchard
It’s officially retreat week, baby! Time to load eight fake couples onto a bus, drive them to Byron Bay and ply them with enough booze so that they spill their deepest and darkest secrets. Or, if you’re Lauren, it’s time to sit in silence and think about all the things that have irritated you up until this point in your life.
It’s safe to say that this retreat will be anything but meditative and zen. And despite the fact Lauren lets us know early on she’s embarrassed to be associated with anyone on the show and feels “dumber by the second” talking to them, she’s still dragged kicking and screaming to the Northern Rivers. Let the chaos begin.
Let the chaos begin! | Image: Channel 9
Here’s what went down on the first night of MAFS retreat week.
Jacqui has an important sex question
Jacqui’s having a dilemma because while her and Ryan are good for once, he only wants to have sex after he’s been to the gym because he’s trying to “save his testosterone”. Just hearing that makes my ovaries combust into a million particles of dust.
Jacqui’s never dated a gym man before, so wants to see if the other girls have ever faced this dilemma. As expected, she is met with blank and shocked faces, as everyone imagines Ryan just making tender love to the squat rack instead.
Everyone is equally revolted by Jacqui’s predicament | Image: Channel 9
Ryan thinks his sex life with Jacqui shouldn’t be up for public discussion, which is hilarious coming from the dude who made it public
As the WHOLE group discusses over wine that night the testosterone method, Ryan gets quite testy. Lol.
As Ryan is quizzed on the methods to his madness, he cracks the shits. Probably because he doesn’t have his special little Andrew Tate podcast on to help him rationalise his stance.
“Private intimate details aren’t really for a group setting,” says the man who brought up the fact Jacqui once gave him great oral.
Thinking about my betrayal | Image: Channel 9
Ryan then takes Jacqui away to give her a stern warning about bringing up their sex life, even when she rightfully points out he’s the one who made it a public forum topic to begin with.
He threatens Jacqui and says if it happens again, their relationship is over. What a threat, if I was Jacqui I’d be tapping that ring on my wine glass and announcing more details to the group to finally be able to escape the clutches of Temu Tate.
Lauren’s disgusted by the thought of sex, as well as all these plebs she has to hang around with
Lauren does not want to hear about ANY of your sex lives, thank you very much. In fact, she doesn’t want to hear another word from anyone’s mouth.
But nevertheless, the group attempts to stand up for Clint by explaining that he’s got traits that Lauren should want in a partner. And when asked to explain her alpha male viewpoint and whether Clint adheres to it, Lauren just looks incredibly bored.
This woman never had the birds and bees talk | Image: Channel 9
Using the “environment” they’re in as an excuse, Lauren says she’s after a big business alpha man who can “make deals”. And because they’re all on retreat in Byron, unfortunately none of the men in the group are out making deals and being manly. Whatever the fuck that all means.
In a completely jarring moment, Adrian speaks some words of wisdom.
“Don’t get too caught up on the words masculine and alpha, take Clint on who he is,” Adrian advises.
A broken clock is right twice a day, I guess.
Meanwhile, Lauren has her own wisdom, telling the camera that she doesn’t want to speak about her relationship in a “group setting of ferals”.
Lauren tells Rhi that she and Clint, a definite united front, are ready to leave the experiment to navigate things in the outside world
Lauren has deemed Rhi the least feral of the lot, and the next day tells her that she and Clint BOTH want to leave the experiment, presenting an altered side of the story.
I just know Rhi isn’t buying this shit | Image: Channel 9
“I was surprised this morning how much Clint said he didn’t want to be here,” Lauren tells Rhi.
Rhi goes back and tells her husband Jeff, and my husband, Dave, and the boys call bullshit. Jeff immediately is seeing through it and thinking Lauren is driving the leave.
Girls night goes to complete shambles, as the boys earnestly try to figure out where Clint’s head is at
We start on a lighter note, with Jacqui telling the girls that she and Ryan had sex that morning. So we definitely know that there’s no gym at the retreat.
“It absolutely hurts my soul from the moment I wake up knowing I have to deal with these people,” Lauren tells the camera as the devil’s word, sex, is once again mentioned.
The boys see right through Lauren’s motives, as they ask Clint why he’s planning to leave the experiment. “We were both checked out, not with each other,” Clint assures the boys, as though Lauren has any interest in him whatsoever.
Eliot tries to say Lauren is managing Clint, while Adrian chimes in with, “manipulation, bro”. I hate it when the two of the worst people in the world are probably right.
Why are these two making sense this episode | Image: Channel 9
Meanwhile, at girls night, the claws come out when Lauren says her and Clint are unlikely to stay in the experiment, because Clint woke up and said he didn’t want to be there.
Liar liar, pants on fire.
The girls go in to bat for Clint, saying Lauren’s wasted his time by not trying hard enough. “I’m not trying to call you out, but maybe you’re blaming external factors and you’re not interested in Clint,” Awhina points out.
Lauren then points out none of their opinions impacts how she feels, as Jamie, Awhina, and Beth keep lecturing her. Tbh, they’re fighting a losing battle. I’m still not sure why these girls are even bothering trying to give advice and continuing to talk about the world’s most boring and least horny couple, Clint and Lauren.
“Just another night in paradise with these feral people,” Lauren smiles.
Eventually, she calls the conversation boring and walks off, probably to ask Ryan for Andrew Tate podcast suggestions.
This woman is not having a bar of it | Image: Channel 9
Things look set to get more dramatic tomorrow night, when Dave drops a truth bomb on Clint, and the girls are torn apart when Lauren says Rhi and Carina both agreed that she was attacked by the others.
Uh oh.
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