THE ULTIMATE RECAP MAFS final vows 2.0: Rumour has it that Paul is still crying in a bush
BY: Tahlia Pritchard
Welcome back to Part Two of the MAFS Final Vows, and the circus is truly back in town. Tonight, we got the well-deserved ending to the shit show that was Ryan and Jacqui, and am I almost sad I won’t see this dysfunctional duo on my TV screen four nights a week?
A little, I’m not going to lie, because I am also mentally unwell it seems.
Two couples imploded in tonight’s final vows, while one thankfully made us believe in love again. Let’s get into it.
Carina says goodbye to Curious Paul
Picking up where we left off, Paul gives Carina what he thinks is a winning smile as he kicks off his vows, saying it felt like their wedding day was fate giving “them” a second chance after he *checks notes* ghosted her. Ahh, yes, I love when fate delivers me some wanker who ghosted me at the end of the aisle. Lucky Carina!
Saying he never meant to hurt Carina (remember this man punched a wall out of jealousy, threw her under the bus to Awhina, called her a snob, and then went on a date with someone else in the final week, so I’d hate to see how he’d act if he was trying to ever actually hurt someone), Paul begs for Carina’s forgiveness with the ease of a man who thinks everything is going to be okay.
“Despite everything, we’ve managed to come back to each other and forgive,” Paul smizes, as though Carina’s done him wrong at any point. He finishes off his vows by trying to woo her in French as though she’s a widowed 83-year-old woman at church who will pinch his cheeks and tell him he’s so handsome.
“That’s sweet,” Carina replies with the enthusiasm of someone who’s been shipped off to war.
And then, it’s Carina’s turn. You can tell Paul thinks she’ll still choose him in the end, and instead we get to see a delicious ending of Carina tearing him a new one as she lists out his wrongdoings, calls out his red flags, and drops the mic with one final line.
“Paul, I was yours, you had me, and you ruined it, and now you’re going to have to live with that for the rest of your life,” Carina says as Paul bursts into sobs and stares off at the numerous floral arrangements around him like they have an answer. “Go to therapy, Paul,” the flowers whisper encouragingly.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” Paul says to the flowers, as though he’s never been dumped before. Maybe he hasn’t. There’s a first time for everything, pal!
Rhi and Jeff give us a small moment of romantic reprieve
Rhi and Jeff pop up to remind us love does exist and that this show isn’t just about viciously dumping people.
HOWEVER! It doesn’t mean everyone should take it as a sign that your ex-fuck buddy wants to get back with you, so sis, don’t text him. Please. We’re in retrograde.
The sun is shining, Rhi and Jeff are beaming, they’re both falling in love, and Paul’s still crying in a bush somewhere. It’s a beautiful day to be alive.
Back in clown town, Ryan and Jacqui try to see who can say the most hurtful things to each other
We get tortured to another scene of Ryan with his samurai sword, and all across Australia is the sound of women locking their chastity belts. No more heterosexual men, please. We’ve had enough.
Jacqui is beaming and is ready to drop her “iconic” and “very funny” final vows speech as though she thinks she’s been called up for a comedy show, not to end a relationship with someone she professed love for just last week.
Ryan goes first, calling their relationship “wild, wonderful, and weird as hell”, and then he manages to throw about 157 insults her way disguised with a smile and some erratic laughter.
Ryan squeezes into his vows that Jacqui is hysterical, can’t cook, has a shopping addiction, and is a “high maintenance nightmare”, but the biggest crime is at the end. He told her, “I like our sexy time” and honestly, I thought the whole obsession with the samurai sword was screaming virgin, but he managed to outdo himself by being a 36-year-old man who deemed intimacy as “sexy time”.
Anyway. Ryan says he’s not strong enough to continue their marriage (despite his huge arms) and finishes his vows on a tender note. ““For that and for saying you have crazy eyes I am sorry,” Ryan says, bursting into laughter.
That was completely and utterly deranged.
Jac-jac-jacqui rips out her vows and is ready for her time to shi-shi-shine.
Dubbing the relationship as “heavy and impossible”, Jacqui calls Ryan out on his lack of romance, lack of effort, and poor communication and compromise. “I am not a rehabilitation centre,” Jacqui says sternly as Ryan starts laughing.
“I don’t want to be spoken over,” she then says, as Ryan starts to speak over her. She then accused Ryan of planning a “gang attack” on her with his friends (touch dramatic there, doll), says his pride is his biggest problem, and then says in a “world of red flags, he is the red carpet”.
They both walk off, having a few jabs at each other as they go. “Be gone with you, you horrible woman. Be gone with you,” Ryan says, as though he’s auditioning for some weird 17th-century play.
In some final, perfect editing from the MAFS team, as Jacqui and Ryan both have their spiels in their confessionals – with Jacqui saying she thinks she’ll find real love soon, and Ryan saying he feels sorry for the next man Jacqui dates, we cut to some slow-motion scenes of a man driving through the secluded Tasmanian streets, slowly hitting a golf ball, living a life of luxury etc.
Welcome back, Clint.
Incredible. Bring on the reunion.
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