RECAP TIME MAFS’ final vows proved once and for all that we’re dealing with a bunch of clowns
BY: Tahlia Pritchard
We’re nearly at the finish line, friends and fellow MAFS sufferers, and what a journey it’s been in learning that the heteronormative dating landscape is absolute hell.
Tonight’s episode was part one of Final Vows, because for some reason MAFS wants to torture us by splitting what should be a relative quick “yes or no” decision lasting around five minutes per couple, into two separate hour-and-a-half long sessions.
So you know what this means. A lot of rehashing of everyone’s respective MAFS journeys: the highs, the lows, the wall punches, and everything in between.
This is an accurate representation of how I’ve felt this entire season | Image: Nine
Before we dive into what happened in part one of the final vows, we must bid a sad farewell to Beth and Teejay, two people who somehow managed to push their limp, lacklustre relationship to the finish line. They decided NOT to go through to final vows, thank god, because watching Teejay reject Beth for one final time would’ve been too painful for all of us.
Another couple struggling, is Paul and Carina, who are ending the experiment in separate apartments after Paul’s ‘curious nature’ imploded their relationship last week. Paul makes a stop-off to Carina before he departs, saying he wants their relationship badly and if it makes her feel any better, he’s very attracted to her.
“I say to all the boys, look how hot my wife is,” Paul says proudly, his last remaining brain cell bouncing off the sides of his skull, struggling to put any more coherent thoughts together.
The real question now isn’t, will Carina commit to Paul – it’s how did she put up with this curious idiot for three months straight? Give the woman a medal, I say.
Anyway, 42 MINUTES LATER, we get to the first of the final vows. Fuck me. Let’s get into it.
Jamie and Dave
Unfortunately, I had to take a tequila shot every time Jamie compared herself and Dave as fire and ice or hot and cold or quiet and loud in the lead-up to Final Vows and beyond, and I’m too drunk to finish this recap.
Just kidding! I wish.
Dave goes first, telling Jamie he wasn’t ready six weeks in to say I love you, but he feels like he’s done his best to show up in the three months. “Today I choose us,” he says, reading his speech out like it’s the first time he’s ever seen it. “Whatever comes next, I’m ready if you are,” he says robotically, while Jamie mutters “Yay!”
I feel all warm and fuzzy.
Jamie’s speech starts nicely while the dramatic music amps up, insinuating she’s about to dump Dave or something. She doesn’t, of course, but she does manage to get a few pointed statements in about being blindsided when Dave’s feelings weren’t progressing, and questions if she really fell in love with Dave or just the idea of him.
“I deserve to be loved, but I don’t know if I’m willing to see if you can get there too, but I know I’m not ready to walk away from you,” Jamie says.
Makes sense!
I guess we’ll find out next week why they only lasted temporarily on the outside.
Awhina and Adrian
We get to once again recap the “fiery rollercoaster” that is Adrian and Awhina (personally, I’d call it a depressing clown show), and reminisce about how they are just wildly physically attracted to each other even though emotionally, they don’t work.
Awhina jumps on a call with her twin sister Cleo to get some clarity, and you can tell Cleo is just hoping she’ll never have to see Adrian again. Cleo tells Awhina she doesn’t think Adrian is about anyone but himself and asks Awhina if she had a daughter if she’d be happy for her future daughter to be with someone like Adrian. Unfortunately, a dickmatised Awhina does not answer this very valid question, because she probably doesn’t want to think of her future daughter being dickmatised by a probably unemployed “entrepreneur”.
MAFS decided to spice up the editing a little bit, interspersing Adrian and Awhina’s vows together, so we couldn’t really tell which one dumped the other first.
They both essentially say this is where their journey is ending and then just stare at each other with weird, horny smiles until Awhina breaks the sexual tension by asking Adrian if he likes her and wants to spend the night with her, while admonishing him for choosing to walk away.
After some back and forth, with Adrian trying to mutter things about the “reality” of their situation while Awhina convinces him they looked at things “too black and white”, they walk out hand in hand for one last root.
Carina and Paul
Meanwhile, Carina’s mum Carmel has flown in from Perth to help Carina with her final decision, and Carmel says she’s devastated by Paul’s decision to go on another date. Obviously, Paul’s actions were terrible, but I think we’re forgetting the real victim of this situation here – Hannah, the one who had to suffer through that date with Paul.
Carina’s mum tells her to pray on it and that God will help her make her decision. Carina, btw, I’m God. Dump him.
We have to wait until tomorrow to find out if she does, but I’m holding out hope for our girl. Fuck it, even I’m praying tonight.
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