REPORTS ARE IN Recent HOKA half marathon Insta stories suggest quarter-life crises are statistically through the roof
BY: Kartya Vucetic
A recent forensic review of Instagram stories posted from today’s HOKA Half Marathon has confirmed that quarter-life crises among Sydney residents aged 26 to 33 are now statistically through the roof.
The findings come after thousands of young professionals voluntarily woke up before sunrise on a Sunday morning to run 21.1 kilometres through the city, before uploading a medal photo.
Images under analysis typically contain the kind of emotional sincerity that has been historically reserved for engagement announcements, European summer dumps and leaving a toxic workplace.
Pictured: some troubled people | Image: Facebook
Quarter-life crisis has long been understood as a chaotic but necessary developmental period. However, experts say the condition has recently evolved into something far more troubling. What once was a time involving tequila, poor romantic decisions, and spending $84 on an Uber home, has now evolved into endurance sports and electrolyte sachets.
“This age group was once a reliable cornerstone of the Sydney night-time economy,” says one behavioural analyst.
“Now, bars are empty and run clubs are the ones with waitlists,” they said.
Kings Cross was abandoned last night with young professionals opting for “a quiet one” instead
The HOKA Half Marathon is believed to have provided one of the clearest snapshots yet of the condition’s new presentation. Instagram feeds across the city have been flooded with images of visibly healthy people holding medals with captions including phrases “so proud of us”.
At the time of publication, several affected individuals were reportedly already signing up for their next race while insisting they “were never really party people anyway”, despite overwhelming photographic evidence from 2019 suggesting otherwise.
