RANK YOUR SISTER! Everything you need to know about what the fuck happened between Ryan and Jacqui on MAFS tonight
BY: Kartya Vucetic
Oh. My. God. Just when I thought last week’s dinner party was a cracker, somehow the bar was raised yet again. Somebody deserves a pay raise after tonight, because that was absolute cinematic fucking gold.
And if you’re looking for the catch up, you’re in the right place. Tonight marked the second dinner party of this MAFS season. And with two couples having already left the experiment, the question on everyone’s mind now is…
Who’s going to create the drama?
I really thought we were done with dickheads after this guy | Image: Channel 9
Yet somehow, just as we suspected, there were plenty of volunteers who stepped up to the plate. Perhaps the most qualified suitor was Ryan, who made headlines this week for laughing that his wife had “crazy eyes”, and proceeded to divulge that she gives good [bleep] (you can fill in the blanks, right?)
Roll up! Roll up! We have our new season villain! | Image: Channel 9
It all started when…
Jamie and Dave were the first to rock up to the Alexandria pad, followed by Carina and Paul, and Rhi and Jeff. In other words, it appears that the MAFS producers are adopting the strategy of welcoming the least problematic people in for dinner first this season. After all, I guess they do have to save the best for last.
Thank god for the few normal people left this season | Image: Channel 9
This means that it should come as no surprise that the last couple to arrive before their dinner seating was…da da da daaa…Ryan and Jacqui. Of course, this gave the rest of the MAFS contestants plenty of time to have a little bitch sesh. Dave, Billy and Paul all feel regretful that they didn’t intervene when the comment was originally made. Adrian, however, sat in introspective contemplation, wondering whether Jacqui might actually take offence to her husband calling her ‘crazy eyes’ and divulging their sex life. He really is a thinker, that one.
But alas, the impending confrontation that’s about to happen might not be as easy as the group thinks. In the car, Jacqui valiantly declares that the “phoenix has risen”. She’s convinced herself that her and Ryan have started a new chapter, and I just know Ryan done some fist pumps in the bathroom after thinking he got away with this one.
“The phoenix has risen”, Jacqui says to herself | Image: Channel 9
As Jacqui arrives and sits down with the girls for a tipple, this is where things start to really get good. A tiptoeing conversation around how everyone found their ‘Intimacy Week’ results in the discovery that Jacqui and Ryan have not, in fact, been having any sex. So unless she’s been accidentally giving him BJs in her sleep, something’s not fucking adding up.
Maybe poor little Ryan has himself mixed up | Image: Channel 9
Then, we’re seated for dinner…
“Jacqui and I are really prepared for tonight…Dinner party number two is going to be scintillating. Feeling good,” are the famous last words from Ryan before everyone gets seated for dinner.
As expected, it takes all about two minutes for the elephant in the room to be addressed. And you know what, hats off to bloody Billy for doing so. Cue awkward silence in 3, 2, 1…
“Yeah I do have crazy eyes, HAHAHA!” Jacqui quips back.
What. The. Fuck.
Let the double down games begin. Everyone is confused. This woman not only appears unfazed, but actively encourages the conversation that’s been had. It’s here where we do, in fact, see her crazy eyes.
Jacqui taking it all in here | Image: Channel 9
Here’s where it gets worse. Jamie and Dave lead the charge of calling Ryan out for telling the boys about his sex life. Ryan appears to break out into some kind of hives (hopefully not contagious), and the pin finally drops for Jacqui. Well, kind of.
And by kind of, we mean not really. Yes, she does get angry, but more towards the ranking task of the previous week than the problem actually at hand. I tell you what, for two ‘high value’ people with ‘superior intelligence’, this couple are a fucking emotional train wreck. Ryan gets his knickers in a knot that his get out of jail free card hasn’t worked, and dumps it all back on Jacqui.
This is where things get weird…
“Do you think your sister is beautiful?…How would you rank her?” These are, in fact, two sentences that come out of Jacqui’s mouth, directed towards her husband.
What. The. Fuck (x2). Jamie and Billy’s faces are priceless, and perhaps best reflects how we’re all feeling.
Billy’s been solid with the facial expressions all season | Image: Channel 9
Jacqui storms off, and for a moment, the dust seems to settle. Well, not settle, but the pressure is put on Awhina and Adrian, and Morena and Tony. And let’s be real, there’s so much to unpack there that we’ll leave it for another day.
Aaand then we’re back to the Ryan and Jacqui show (again). Morena seems to have had a microsleep during the blowout, and now needs to rehash everything, all over again.
“I’m not done with him,” Morena shouts from the other end of the table. It’s part teacher, part mum, but mostly terrifying vibes coming from her. Everyone’s confused this time, and it’s really fucking awkward. Has she been waiting to speak all this time? Is she experiencing short term memory loss? Let’s be real, nobody knows what’s going on at this point.
Thankfully, Paul self-sacrifices himself to the wrath of Morena, and once and for all, the Ryan and Jacqui dinner party drama is put to bed. WOW. I am EXHAUSTED. That, my friends, was a lot to digest.
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