SHAKEN TO THE CORE Here’s a roundup of the most psychotic martinis the internet has come up with to date

BY: Kartya Vucetic

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you would have noticed that for some godforsaken reason, the internet has recently decided that the humble martini is officially in for 2025. And while every inch of our bodies wants to love that uber sexy, Gossip Girl-esque tipple of choice, let’s be real with ourselves for a moment. They’re absolutely heinous.
Yes, that’s right. It might be a hot take, but I’m a firm believer that those who do love a good ol’ martini only do so because they’ve spent long enough convincing themselves that it’s too chic not to.
And like any TikTok trend, it’s safe to say that in just two weeks of 2025, the internet has taken this newly discovered love way too far. I mean, come on guys. I might sit in silence while I watch you down that essentially pure vodka ‘cocktail’, but this is a whole other level. We listen, and we do, in fact, judge.
Anyways, I’ve spent the last week delving through the absolute blackhole that is MartiniTok. What I will say is that it really is quite astounding how creative the Americans get with them. Perhaps TikTok being banned for them in less than a week has come at the perfect time.
I hope you’re not eating as you read this, because what you’ll find below is truly the stuff of nightmares. Warning, they get progressively worse. Reader discretion is heavily advised.
The Pho Tini
I don’t know what in the cultural appropriation this is, but I do know that I’m not having it. Pho? In a martini? This brings a whole new meaning to the liquid diet. Described as “phokin delicious” (I’m crying), this is literally just a cup of pho with vodka. You cannot convince me otherwise.
The Kimchi Martini
As someone who is controversially not a fan of kimchi, this one shakes me to my core (pardon the pun). Not only is making ‘kimchi infused vodka’ wildly impractical, but mixing cabbage and vodka should be a criminalised combination. This sounds like pre-colonoscopy prep, if you know what I mean.
The Ceasar Salad Martini
Why. Are. We. Drinking. Food. Have we all lost our teeth and minds? Like seriously, even if you love caesar salad that much, just order a literal martini on the side. Did they think the anchovy decor made this better? I have so many questions. All I’ll say is that we might as well be drinking ranch dressing straight out of the bottle.
*That* Blue Cheese Martini
I love blue cheese, so this one is a particular sting. It might sound childish, but the bits in it are sending me into a literal conniption. I hate milk-based cocktails as is, and this is literal a milk, mould and vodka cocktail. Do people own TV’s anymore? How can anyone have enough spare time to come up with this? I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
The Charceutertini
Okay, as a pun lover myself, I have to give this one a little credit. Emphasis on little, because everything else about this actually makes me feel violent. The Babybell cheese?! Did they really think this was the elevation the drink needed?! Nothing about this is okay.
The Red Lobster Tini
As promised, I’ve saved the best for last. And just like the song choice they’ve chosen to back this video, I do, in fact, see red. What. The. Fuck.