HOT TAKE “It’s so nice out!” says local man as the planet quietly screams
BY: Kartya Vucetic
Local man Jake Moloney, 34, was spotted basking in the unseasonably warm winter sun this week, telling anyone within a 12-metre radius that “this is honestly the best weather we’ve had in ages,” while completely ignoring the giant flaming climate elephant in the room.
The Maroubra-based property manager, who has previously referred to Greta Thunberg as “a bit dramatic,” spent his Wednesday morning sipping an iced oat latte in shorts and thongs, loudly marvelling that it’s “basically t-shirt weather, in July.”
“It’s just one of those perfect winter weeks,” Jake said, gesturing to the clear blue sky like he summoned it personally. “If this is climate change, sign me up!” he added, in what scientists have now flagged as the second-worst sentence uttered in 2025.
One might even say it’s nearly summer again!
When asked if he was concerned that Sydney’s current temperatures were 4°C above the seasonal average, and part of a broader global trend that’s melting ice caps faster than a Weiss bar on Bondi Beach, Jake shrugged. “Mate, the planet’s always changing. Besides, this way we get more beach days, and less time whinging about frost on the windscreen.”
Meanwhile, climatologists around the world quietly wept into their recycled KeepCups, as Australia posted yet another record-breaking warm winter day.
Sources close to Jake say he plans to spend the weekend enjoying a BBQ in the backyard while vaguely referencing how “back in the day winters used to actually be cold,” before falling asleep in the sun without SPF.
At time of publication, Jake was last seen trying to book a ski trip to Perisher, completely unaware it hadn’t snowed in three weeks.
