RECAP TIME Jacqui pulls off the ultimate troll move in another shitshow MAFS episode, and somehow we love her even more for it
BY: Tahlia Pritchard
Back in an alternate reality we go, because MAFS’ Final Test week is still going and sometimes, things need to be seen to be believed.
Like who amongst us would’ve have thought Ryan and Jacqui would be on the path to resolving things (again) before Final Vows? Not me!
Before we dived into whether the remaining participants decided to go see if the grass was greener by meeting up with other alleged “compatible” matches, we picked up where we left off — with Carina telling Paul he’s the most embarrassing man on earth (true) and she wants to leave.
Meanwhile Paul is leaning sadly against a wall, trying not to punch it.
As Carina rages to producers, Paul says he has a “horrible gut feeling” that Carina wants to “throw everything away”, which is hilarious because she has literally, actually told him she wants to end things with him.
Okay, let’s move onto our remaining couples to see if they went on their horny little illegal dates.
Jamie and Dave: Dave exits doghouse as Jamie enters ghostville
Dave has finally learned the doghouse isn’t a nice place to be (Paul could use some lessons) and wants to prove to Jamie he does care, so he declines meeting his other match.
Meanwhile, Jamie decides she wants to simply because she’s nosy, so she goes and promptly gets stood up. In other words, the producers probably thought she’d say no and didn’t actually have another match for her.
Thankfully, Dave finds Jamie being stood up hilarious and calls her a loser, asking her what she’s doing out there getting stood up as a married woman.
All’s well that ends well for these two! Thank god!
Adrian and Awhina: The toxic duo continue to toxic
Awhina is between a rock and a hard place because she knows Adrian will say yes to meeting up with another woman, whereas she’s sobbing that if she doesn’t choose to go and he does, it will “crush her soul”.
Do you know what else is soul-crushing? Awhina still being in this relationship.
The two both go on their dates and while they both get along perfectly fine with their other matches, they come back together to debrief and have some, sad, toxic convo, because Awhina is pissed Adrian went on the date, and Adrian doesn’t seem jealous that she did.
Being dickmatised is a dangerous thing, ladies. Let Awhina be a lesson in that.
Jacqui and Ryan: successfully still the most bonkers couple this show has ever matched
At this point, watching these two is a strange, haunting comedy show, with Ryan initially sitting in his apartment sadly looking at their better times (lol, like the one good time they… um… I’m sure there’s one day they didn’t fight) , while Jacqui says she’s ready to “break her back” bending over backwards to make things work with Ryan.
They both opt to go on their dates, with Ryan assuming Jacqui won’t because she’s too busy trying to win him back. Meanwhile, Jacqui is busy flipping her hair, laughing, and exchanging numbers with a man named Rory.
Ryan meets a woman named Vivienne, who describes herself as a Grogan (Greek bogan for those playing at home), and he enthusiastically tells her he owns a Samurai sword (not a euphemism) after she makes one mention of Japan.
After talking in length about his sword (get your mind out of the gutter), Ryan decides to use Viv as a therapist as he divulges all the nitty-gritty details about his relationship with Jacqui, including the fact he feels like she’s more a critic than a wife, and that he wrote leave last ceremony.
A man emotionally dumping on a woman he just met? Suddenly this show is depicting what the modern day dating world is really like.
Ryan and his amazing pecs move back in
Jacqui brings over a bottle of wine for her and Ryan to enjoy, and he realises Jacqui is being way too chill about him going on a date, and is quickly humbled when Jacqui tells him she had a perfectly nice date too.
After some passive-aggressive questioning about whether Rory met Jacqui’s insanely high standards, and after denying he was jealous (it was actually just his “natural curiosity,” taken straight from the dictionary of Paul!), Ryan is finally pacified when Jacqui reads him a new list.
God, haven’t we suffered enough?!
This time, the list is all the things she LIKES about him, instead of all of his flaws.
The problem is though, it sounds like the biggest troll list of all time. Does Ryan realise this? No.
In the list Jacqui raves about Ryan’s strong pecs, his great posture, and the fact she has “no doubt” he’d pay his “mortgage every month for the rest of your life”.
“I’m sorry I made you feel guilty about your love of TV,” Jacqui says earnestly.
Ryan is so mollified he agrees to move back in. She’s good, ladies and gents! If this isn’t a ploy to get the man to Final Vows so she can eat him alive in a dramatic breakup speech, I’ll eat my hat. I don’t have one to eat, but I’ll find one.
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